Dry These Tears
by Kay the Cricketed
Summary: My first uploaded Digi-fic! YAY!!! It's a Koushiro fic... involves the others, though... (attempted suicide involved...)
1. Chapter One

Dry These Tears  
  
By Kay (AKA Sp00kyfile)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Digimon. ::pauses evily:: Yet.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, this is my first Digimon fic I've posted. ::gulps:: Be kind. Be gentle. I'm trying best I can!!! I haven't even seen all the episodes yet... (due to the evil time schedule of my Debate meetings... grrrr...) Um, um, it's a Koushiro fic- sorta mixed up, I suppose. Depressed one. It's only part one, but hopefully I'll get some reviews and make another one!! YAY!!!!!! IZZY ROCKS!!!! WHOOO_HOOOO!! PRAY TO THE HOLDER OF KNOWLEDGE!!! ::bows repeatedly to her Izzy pic::  
  
Also- I think there's another author named Kay who writes Digimon fics. I'm not her- I don't use the "~" things in my name. Wow! Someone actually has the same name as me?!?! Gah! I thought I was alone!!!! ^_^ Um... anyway... enjoy!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
My name is Koushiro.  
  
And yes, that is affirmative; I have a razor blade against my skin. It's dead white against the metal, looking dead. And if it's already dead, it cannot hurt it when I do this, can it? My wrists are already dead. What a laugh. Suddenly I want to cry.  
  
It is foolish, what I am attempting to do. I really should have no reason. Except maybe things had all gone wrong. Everything was mixed up, confusing. I hated that. I always have loved to have the answers, have everything complex but able to figure out, not something like this where there's no real way to get an answer. There was no answer this time.  
  
I stared at blade, my heart pounding in my chest. I wasn't sure anymore if I could do this. I wanted the pain, the ending to come, but something kept holding me back.   
  
I just wanted it to end.  
  
The ironic problem is- I do not even know where it began. I don't even know when things started to be wrong. Perhaps it was when we first came home from the Digiworld, parting from our best friends, and from a world I had grown quite accustomed to. Perhaps it started when we recieved so much attention, even though there was the fact that we neither wanted it nor needed it. Perhaps it started later than that, after life was back to normal, when we slowly drifted apart. One day, a group of children struggling to save the world, the next, distant kids who sometimes acknowledged each other in the hallways or waved every now and then on the street.  
  
Tai quickly got his life back to normal, playing soccer becoming his largest hobby. I watched him play sometimes, when I wasn't busy or when I felt the sudden urge to see our leader again. He was pretty good, from what I could tell, and from what I heard from the crowd each time he made a goal. Sora was on the team as well, but while Taichi almost never talked to me, she would sometimes call just to check up on how I was doing.  
  
I never saw Joe, not for months, anyway. We'd went together for pizza once, to catch up, but after that we hadn't spoken. I heard he was studying to become a scientist from Mimi, on one of the only rare times she ever spoke to me. Sometimes she would smile at me when she caught my eye, but we had so many different classes that I barely even saw her. As for Takeru and Hikari, I saw them sometimes, but not that much, only at the soccer games Tai played in. Once we sat together and talked for a while. Sometimes I saw Matt in the halls, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends of his I didn't know. He never noticed me, just walked past with his usual aloof look, that screamed cool and rebel.  
  
So I am not sure exactly when the phenomonon occurred- whether it was when we stopped talking, or even stopped looking at each other. Some of us stuck together. Some of us pulled apart.  
  
For an adequate example: me.  
  
I did not mean for it to happen, although I knew the odds were great that we'd somehow lose touch. But somehow, over time, it did and I could not stop it. I spent more time on my computer, so I supposed I was partly to blame. The rest found other friends and activities. Thier lives gained back, completely normal. All devoid of me.  
  
Somehow, this bothered me greatly, even though I attempted to tell myself over and over that it might be better this way. I may love to work out puzzles on my computer, but the more time I spent alone the more I missed them. It wasn't only them either, it was Tentomon. Sometimes I would be typing on my laptop, then turn to ask him something, and he wasn't there. It hurt- it hurt much more than I could have thought. At least with Tentomon I knew he would have stayed with me through anything. That was what a best friend like him was for.  
  
Now, I would never see him again.  
  
Perhaps it started when that realization sunk in.  
  
Or perhaps it started when I started taking higher school courses, for advanced students. With all the older children. I loved the work, the challenges, but the horrible names and bullying I endured weren't as fun. I've been called a computer geek before, it's nothing new, and I kept telling myself it didn't matter if I ignored it. But sometimes, sometimes you just can't win those battles. And the words hurt you more than you ever thought. Maybe it was because I thought in a way my studying so much was helping me stray from the rest of my friends, that the names really hit home. The fact that I was being slammed into lockers and beat up after school every day didn't help either.  
  
Sometimes I think that it wasn't even then that I started to fall into depression. In fact, I'm sure it wasn't then. I was still hanging on, even though I was coming home alone every day covered in cuts and sore spots that would turn black and blue the next morning. Once again, I only buried myself farther inside my computer, into my own world where puzzles had answers, and no one worried about being alone.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Flashback...  
  
"Izzy, honey, dinner's ready!" Mom called, a hint of worry in her voice for the small boy sitting inside the room of the door she was knocking on. She'd forgotten how long it had been since her son came out of there more than twice a day. Sometimes he'd even skip lunch to work on his computer.  
  
There was a moment of dazed silence from beyond the door, and the sound of clicking keys paused for a moment. She could hear soft footsteps from inside. The door opened, and she found herself looking down in concern at an intelligent face with wide dark eyes and a shock or red hair.   
  
"Sorry, I was just finishing a new program," Koushiro said quietly. Mrs. Izumi nodded, and tried to stop her eyes from traveling straight to the large, discolored bruise over Izzy's left cheek. He'd come home with it tonight, another problem for him she wished she could take away.  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't spend so much time on the computer, Izzy," she said, taking in his pale complextion and tired smile. "It's so nice outside, why don't you go have some fun with some of your friends?"  
  
Izzy hid a wince. "That'd be nice..." he said vaguelly. "What's for dinner?"  
  
His mother looked at him sadly, and told him, all the while hoping that something would happen to make that tired look in his eyes go away.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
My mom... She'll miss me. She and Dad probably won't know what to think, and would even feel guilty. I don't want them to but there's nothing else to do. No practical action would save them the pain, because what I was doing wasn't practical. Wasn't right.  
  
Of course, I knew that. Did you think this was the only time I've tried doing this? Scars lightly traced over my arms, nearer and nearer together. Ugly crosses and slashes, most of them healed, but some of them still tender. I had been doing this for a long time, anxious, almost desperate to feel the pain. It was like some of it would go away every time I cut myself. It was addicting, but I had never been able to kill myself.  
  
And I was still doing it. Still holding that cold razor to my wrist, aching, crying. Tears slipping down my face as I sobbed helplessly. Trembling, I tried to make myself use the blade on myself, but my hand refused to move. Memories were still tumbling through my mind.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Flashback:  
  
The sky was overcast in gray and black hues as the clouds rumbled omniously in the distance that Saturday. The ground was soaking wet, the weather slightly cold from the small drizzle falling down from the bleak sky. The sidewalk was covered with scattered puddles, reflecting the sky above it.  
  
The red-headed teenager stared down at one of the puddles, his reflection staring back at him with sharp eyes. Dark eyes.   
  
When had he gotten so thin?  
  
"Hey, Izzy! Izzy, is that you?" a voice called. A familiar voice.  
  
Izzy turned in surprise, and looked up to see a teenage boy with blue hair and glasses running toward him. "Joe?"  
  
"Hi," Joe said, stopping and catching his breath. "It's been a while."  
  
Koushiro nodded, looking faintly pleased. "Yeah, it has. How have you been?"  
  
"Not bad. I'm taking these new courses- turns out maybe I don't want to be a doctor after all..." Joe trailed off. "How have you been? The others and I haven't seen much of you."  
  
Koushiro winced. iNo... you haven't... what happened? What changed?/i Outloud, he said, "I've been busy with some things... mostly school, doing projects... I miss you guys." Immeadiatly, he stopped talking, realizing the last words that slipped out of his mouth. Joe was watching him, something like sympathy in his eyes.  
  
"We-we miss you, too..."  
  
Koushiro opened his mouth to say something, and shut it. Staring downwards, he lookd at his reflection again.  
  
So pale. So thin. Had he grown taller? It seemed like he could almost look Joe in the eyes, now.  
  
The awkward silence dragged on between them, and finally Joe spoke uncertainly. "Um... well... it was nice seeing you, Izzy."  
  
Koushiro nodded, blinking back a sudden burning in his eyes. iDon't cry, not here, not in front of Joe.../i  
  
"Um. I'd better go. Bye Izzy," Joe mumbled.  
  
"Huh? Oh, yeah, bye Joe. Uh... thanks... thanks..."  
  
The blue haired teenager watched with sad eyes at his friend before turning and walking away. Koushiro watched, arms limp at his sides, until the figure went around the corner, before turning and walking away in the opposite direction, his steps landing in the puddle of water, scattering his reflection across the sidewalk. A broken image.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Yes. I pushed them away. It hurts to admit it. But I was the one to blame, wasn't I?  
  
I keep crying. I wished the tears would stop.  
  
I wish they would dry.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
End of Part One. :) :) :)  
  
Oohhhhhh- was it to bad?!? Should I continue?! I'm not sure- this is my first post, so I'm hoping I'll get some encouragement... ::sweatdrops:: Or at least a "nice job". I could settle for that. Heck, I"ll settle for "It sucks, but at least you can spell "Izzy" right, so that's okay." or "at least you capitilized well". Damn, I'll settle for "YOU SHOULD BE THROWN IN AS BRICK PILE FOR WRITING THIS PIECE OF JUNK!!!".... ^_^;;; Um. I'd rather you didn't say that, but alas, we don't always get our wishes... heh heh... :) :) :) Thanks for reading!!!! 


	2. Chapter Two

Dry These Tears:  
  
Disclaimer: I haven't owned Digimon, so the chances of me now owning them aren't that good, now are they? ^_^  
  
Notes: PART TWO!! YAAAAYYY!!! Contains violence... blood.. stuff... ^_^;;; My poor Koushiro....  
  
Part Two:  
  
I can remember quite easily the first time I met the rest of the Digidestined at summer camp. My first impression was mistrust, wary caution. I wasn't exactly open to the idea of conversing with some of my fellow cabin mates. They didn't know me very well- knew me well enough, I suppose, that they labeled me a computer geek. Always on the Internet, always thinking, observing. They were correct on that assumption. It took longer, much longer, far into the Digital World, before they saw something beyond that image.  
  
I'm still not absolutely sure what it is they saw.  
  
In many ways, the Digital world was extremely better than the real world. It was there that I found Tentomon, the first real friend I've ever had. It still hurts, thinking about him like this. Tentomon was always there to attempt to open me up, to make me to see a world beyond my laptop. I never admitted it to myself, or my friends, but without him I'd have lost this battle already.  
  
Then again, perhaps it would have been better if I had never met him. It's an astronomically depressing thought, but the logic and truth ring out in it. Before I met him, I would have had nothing to haunt me in these last moments of my life. Now, as I pressed the steel against my wrist harder, drawing a little blood, the memories flashed through my mind of the Digiworld and all it meant to me. I just couldn't stop my hand from trembling. The memories of friends, a time when I was not so much alone as I know thought to be, made it incredibally hard to even think of going through with this procedure.  
  
Procedure.. how cold. I make it sound like I'm implying this is merely some experiment that I can easily shrug off. But there's no coming back after this, no regret time. Slit the wrist, the blood drains out, and your body slowly fails. Simple as that. There's no mystery in this.  
  
There's pain, though. Obviously, there's going to be pain. It's improbable there wouldn't be.   
  
My tears burn my eyes like someone's scratching them out, and I suppose it's a feeling I should be used to by now. Hypothetically, once I do this, put this razor into my viens, let the blood out, there should be no pain after that. If you're dead, there can be no pain. Dead nerve endings.  
  
I make it sound so easy. I need something, and I can't get it, so I'm going to take the easy way out. Why am I not surprised?  
  
I'm not strong. Not like the others. Not like them. Not like Tai. Tai was always the brave, courageous leader, not me. I did the planning, the thinking, he did the rest. Back in the Digital world, it had almost seemed as if he thought of me as an equal sometimes. They needed me there, Tai needed me. But things were different now.   
  
No. I'm not strong like Taichi. I'm not protective like Matt, or caring like Sora. I don't tell the truth like Mimi, no matter how dumb the truth is. I've never been sweet like Kari, the child of light, or hopeful and full of life like TK, Matt's adorable little brother. I'm not as responsible as Joe, not really.  
  
They all have strengths, and I only have a laptop- what a bittersweet thought that is. There's nothing special at all about me. Nothing at all.  
  
Yet, even as I thought it painfully, a strong cry in my mind forced it's way back, bringing me a memory from what seemed to be years ago.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Flashback:  
  
The fire that Agumon had created that night before crackled lightly in the darkness, spreading warmth upon the sleeping members of the Digidestined and their Digimon. The sky was like an endless ink stain, no stars in sight, no moon to shine.  
  
The sound of clicking and soft breathing were the only things heard. Koushiro glanced up from his work only for an instant at the sound of a cracking twig, before pausing and bending back down over the lightened screen and the keys of his laptop. His dark eyes reflected the words on the screen, and the light made his hair seem like it was glowing.  
  
"You know... you look really freaky right now, Izzy."  
  
Izzy jerked and looked up in surprise, his gaze settling on a figure laying on a rock near him. "Tai?"  
  
"Yeah." Tai yawned and stretched, his arms above his head, before sitting up. His face was flushed in the firelight. "Who else would it be? Santa Claus?"  
  
"Mmm," Izzy replied non commitantly, giving a small smile. "Shouldn't you be asleep? We've got a long walk ahead of us tomorrow, and you do not want to exhaust your energy supply, you know."  
  
Tai laughed. "And let you work on your computer, not even noticing I was awake? Heck, Kuwagamon would have us in five seconds and you'd still be playing on the piece of junk."  
  
Izzy felt a sharp wince of pain inside of him, but kept his face placid. "I'm trying to find a way to get us home, Tai. Do you think I just play around on this computer?"  
  
"I think you spend to much time on it."  
  
Izzy tensed, and shook his head. "Would you rather we stayed here forever?"  
  
"I'd irather/i we didn't, but I'd also irather/i you'd stop with the typing and let everyone have some sleep!" he snapped.  
  
"I-"  
  
"And most of all- I'd irather/i you didn't almost kill yourself of exhaustion every stupid night on that thing!"  
  
Izzy looked up in shock, trying to hide the surprise that flittered across his face. Tried to hold back the words: 'What do you care?'  
  
Instead, he took a deep breath, and remained calm. "Tai... I'm fine. I'm sorry if my working has disturbed you in your sleep and that's why you're awake, but what I'm doing is for all our own goods. You want a way home, or do you want to be stuck here in a world of monsters forever?"  
  
Tai's anger died almost as quickly as it began. "No..." he said quietly. "I want to go home." He hesitated. "But I want to keep us all together too. You've been.. I dunno... spacey lately."  
  
Izzy raised an eyebrow. He hadn't realized anyone had noticed. "I'm... just busy thinking on ways to get us home, Tai."  
  
"Uh-huh. You think to much."  
  
Izzy looked at him, and for a second Tai could have sworn he saw tears fighting their way to the young boy's wide eyes. "What else could I do?" he said simply.  
  
Tai blinked, and lowered his head thoughtfully, seeing the young genius's point. "You think you're not good for anything else?" he asked.  
  
Izzy shrugged. "It's a fact- I'm here because you need someone who will analyse the data. Give you the answers. Solve the puzzles. Was there any doubt? I've got the Crest of Knowledge, don't I?" He looked away, fighting the bittersweet pain that was throbbing in his chest.  
  
Tai sighed. "You know when Sora was taken by Datamon? How I couldn't move? I was frozen- scared, Iz- me. The Crest of Courage guy. Did I live up to my Crest then?"  
  
Izzy frowned. "What are you saying? That our crests don't reflect our personalities at times?"  
  
"Yeah, something like that. They're us, but that doesn't mean we have to become them. We can't be perfect, man. We can't always live up to it all." Tai's quiet voice faded out momentarily.  
  
Izzy stared intently down at the computer screen. "What am I to you, Tai?" he asked softly, his heart beating swiftly. He wanted to know- he had to know. Was he one of them?  
  
"Duh, Izzy, for a smart guy you're an idiot sometimes," Tai said scornfully. Then his face relaxed into something of a soft smile as his brown eyes studied the short red head boy. "You're my friend."  
  
Tai paused. "My way to smart friend who can't speak English most of the time, but still my friend." He laughed.  
  
Izzy smiled back, for once he forgot about his computer and the weight of depression that was tauntingly hitting his shoulders.  
  
And all he did was laugh with Tai, their voices hushed and full, blending together and filling the night by the firelight.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I'd almost forgotten that night, when we stayed up and talked in low tones. We didn't even wake anyone up for the next watch. It was just us, laughing and talking like any regular kids. I loved that feeling.  
  
I miss them so much.  
  
I have to lean against the sink, the porcelian cold against my skin. I feel so tired, because there hasn't been any rest for me for months. I am exhausted, physically and mentally, a deadly combination. My heart hurts. My head hurts. My wrists are starting to ache, although I can't tell if it is from the cuts that cross it, where the blood's already starting to dry, and the pain is returning, or if it's just because I've held them in this position for the last half hour.  
  
Breathing deeply, I close my eyes. I have to do this. It's correct that most of this is all my fault, but that doesn't mean I can indulge in self pity. Tonight I wanted to end it all.  
  
Didn't I?  
  
It had taken a while for the true depression to finally kick in, and delve itself into my phsyce. I think it all started on a normal Friday afternoon, after school.  
  
I start to cry just remembering. Remembering and hating every bit of it.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Flashback:  
  
Izzy ignored the loud laughter and sounds of slammed lockers that surrounded him in the hall way. It was only routine- the usual amount of verbal junk that clogged the school system. A couple of older kids were talking about last night's soccer game, one that Izzy had went to, but only because Tai and Sora were playing. He listened to a few words of that, before tuning it out in faint disgust as it turned to a jock's date.  
  
Grabbing his books, he closed his own locker slowly, lost in thought. With the absentminded look still in his eyes, he walked down the halls as they emptied.  
  
He'd tried to talk to Joe today, but for some reason he hadn't been at school. He hoped he was okay- even though they had grown farther apart, more than ever, he was still his friend. Wasn't he? Nothing could change that...  
  
He turned a corner.  
  
"Watch where you're going, you idiot!"  
  
Izzy let out a slight gasp as he plowed right into a hard, solid chest.   
  
One belonging to a very, very tall and muscular boy.  
  
"What were you doing, geek?!" snapped the angry jock, his sharp blue eyes narrowing. His black hair was messed up from practice, and he was wearing a faded jersey. Izzy gulped inwardly, and stepped back a few steps more, intimidated. He didn't want another fight...  
  
"I am very sorry- I apologive immensely... I didn't see you there," he said lamely, feeling a dark, tight fear rising in his chest. He'd been down this road before- it always meant he'd be going home with another black eye.  
  
"Sorry don't count for nothin'." The boy's eyes glittered dangerously, and he clenched a fist. "You know, it's freaks like you that make this world so damn screwed up."  
  
Izzy felt his mouth go dry. "I-I.." He looked around desperatly, his eyes scanning the empty hallway for anything- a teacher, a student, the principal. About now, anything would seem good.  
  
"I am really sorry... but you do know that if... you beat me up.. that... um..." Izzy stammered helplessly, trying to think of a way out of this. Quickly, automatic words came out of his mouth. "My friends will not like it very much."  
  
"Who are they?" scoffed the boy, taking a large hand and placing it lightly on Izzy's chest. "The computer geeks?" Then he shoved. Hard.  
  
Izzy flinched as he was reeled back, crashing into a locker painfully. "N-no..." The boy moved closer, fist clenched and face cold, smirking. "They're not into computers. They aren't geeks, either."  
  
The boy laughed. "Sure... your imaginary friends are going to get even with me? Whatever, kid." He grabbed Izzy's shirt and pulled hard until Izzy was looking up at him, wincing. "What kind of idiots would want to hang around you?"  
  
Izzy felt tears burn in his eyes, hot. "Shut up! And stop picking on me, you jerk!" He glared at the older boy, feeling a weird strength swell up inside of him. The courage, that for once, this wasn't going to end the same way. He had friends! They cared about him! How dare he...  
  
"WHAT did you say?" the boy demanded, his eyes glittering dangerously.  
  
"Leave me alone," he whispered, emphasising on 'alone'. "You have no right to be so angry at me for such a small, unimportant factor. Your muscle system may be better functioning and more capable of fighting than mine, but it's obvious your mental condition is somewhat cracked to the point where you'll throw yourself at any small unsuspected person just to prove that there is something that contradicts the idiocy. And it's not going to be me. So stuff the act, and go away!" Izzy's breathing had quickened, his heart beat rapid and strained at the angry, passionate speech. If he'd been listening to himself, he would have been amazed at the cold certainty and spite that layered just under the words' surface.  
  
He'd been down this road to many times.  
  
"Just for that, I'm not gonna let you off easy..." the jock said softly, his eyes dark with something Izzy couldn't recognize. Whatever it was... it scared him.  
  
Izzy let out a short gasp and cry of pain as his fist slammed far into his stomach, making him double up. He numbly realized that his books and everything had fallen with a sharp resonding snap on the cold school tiles, the bright squares showing up against the white. He was numbly aware that for some reason he was on his knees, holding his face now...  
  
Blood dripping through his fingers. His face- explosions of pain...  
  
Izzy wasn't sure how long it was, or what exacty happened. He remembered... pain. Worse than he'd felt in a long time. Something wet was all over his face and his arms. His stomach hurt, ached, screamed with his wailing ribs. It was pure agony- and it wouldn't stop- he was down, down on the floor, on the white tiles, but everything was swirling around like in one of those kalidoscopes he had as a kid that he took apart to figure out. The world was twirling before his eyes, fading in and out, except for the floor and the pain. The pain that wouldn't stop, no matter how much he thought it would, that just kept going on forever, never letting up.  
  
Only vaguelly realizing something was wrong when he saw the white tiles a discoloured black red, when there should have been pure white. Felt sharp, horrible, terrible pain in my head, jolting him.  
  
Then, everything went black.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
They found me in the hall, unconscience, still being kicked by him. He was in a state of furious rage, they told me later. If they hadn't found me...  
  
I would not have to consider what I should do to end my life.  
  
I was in the hospital for a couple days, with broken ribs and a broken arm, my head a messy concussion, and enough cuts and bruises to keep the jocks off of me for months. I was never exactly informed on what happened to that student. I never learned his name even. But I never saw him again, along with the remaining students at high school. Like a spector or a phantom, he faded into thin air, leaving only a scared, horrible memory of coldness and chill and sinister lurking. Like a story told to frighten children when their asleep.  
  
His name doesn't matter. What mattered, was that he was one of Tai's very good friends. Had I known that, maybe things would have been different. Maybe not. Predictions are difficult to make in the affairs of human emotion.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Flashback:  
  
"I can't believe you, Izzy!" Tai yelled, his face contorted in anger. "What did you DO?!"  
  
Koushiro looked at his friend with desperate eyes. "Tai, I didn't do anything! He was trying to provoke a fight, and-"  
  
"Don't give me that, he wouldn't do that. Travis was a great guy, he's not some stupid bully!" Tai argued, glaring with usually friendly brown eyes. Izzy's head was swirling, and he felt confused and hurt at the same time. He still wasn't feeling well from the episode, his head still tender and his bruises still easily seen on his skin. His mother and father had been treating him like something fragile that would break any moment, as if he were a delicate piece of china about to break at the slightest breath.  
  
He wasn't so sure he wouldn't break either. Not with the amount of anger on Tai's face at the moment.  
  
"Tai, Tai, it wasn't my fault- I didn't do anything except run into him, that's all, and he decided to pick a fight..." Izzy trailed off, his voice trembling in rage and pain. "What else would I possible be able to do to make him so angry? It's foolish to think-"  
  
"Are you calling me stupid?!" snapped Tai. "Okay, that's it, Izzy. I can't believe you! I'll go ask Travis myself what happened!" He whirled suddenly, and walked off coldly, clearly turning his back to the shocked fiery haired child, unprepared for this.  
  
"Tai.. Tai..."  
  
Izzy closed his burning eyes that threatened to spill tears. "Please, you've got to believe me..."  
  
It was no use. The boy had already gone, and Izzy was alone.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I hated it. That feeling, so emmensily hurtful, killed me inside. Tai ignored me from then on, never speaking to me, always looking away. It hurt worse than when he was angry at me. I never did figure out what Tai found out from Travis, but whatever it was it drove off one of my best friends forever.   
  
It was a far worse pain than the beating I had taken indirectly for them.  
  
I'm sure everyone in school heard about what happened. In fact, they must have, what with our current 'grapevine'. No one asked about it, but I was given cold stares in the hallways, from students I barely knew. It came to be that I was so frightened by some of the threats I was recieving, that I actually faked illness, and resigned myself to staying home all day rather than face them.  
  
Slowly, I believe the depression started to formulate. I would barely eat, sometimes sleeping for the entire day without rising once to do any sort of activity that required movement. I had a new habit of ignoring everyone, no matter their intentions. And.... and then there was the cutting.  
  
It all started so fast. It was addictive- one slice and the physical pain washed out your emotions. Punishment. For being such a lousy lifeform on this stupid planet.  
  
Now, I was to the ultimate point. Ready to be pushed, just teetering on the edge, I was standing here with a razor blade. I could do it any minute. Any nanosecond.  
  
And yet I still couldn't do it.  
  
I thought of the hatred on Tai's face. The loneliness I went through every night, miserable torturous dreams. I thought of the kids at school, uncaring and cold, and how none of my friends knew I was alive anyway.  
  
And Tentomon was in a place I could never reach ever again.  
  
There was nothing left for me here.  
  
It was there that I found my final conviction, and pressed the razor blade to my skin tightly, watching in morbid facination as the steel cut through...  
  
It was time. No one would miss me.  
  
Just a little deeper.  
  
No more pain, Koushiro.  
  
Just think.... no more pain... no more pain...  
  
Eternity must be a joyful place.  
  
I can't wait to be there. No more pain.  
  
Just... a little.... deeper...  
  
Then, without warning, I was interrupted by the banging of a door. Freezing, I held my breath, dizzy with loss of blood, but still no where near death. No! Not when I was so close... not when I had finally brought up the courage to do it... not now...  
  
The mysterious person paused before banging on the door.  
  
I had failed to latch it.  
  
The door swung open-  
  
"Hey, Izzy, the front door was unlocked, so I just thought I'd-" A long pause. I stared in shock, fear, and humiliation from my collapsed position on the floor. The razor fallen by my side, forgotten momentarily. My arms bared, the scars easily seen, to vividly seen, the blood running down my arms in little currents. The wound in my wrist- not fatal, but something that should require medical attention soon. My soul, my pain's work, finally uncovered.  
  
"I...I..." I stammered weakly.  
  
"Oh my God... Izzy..."  
  
Taichi Kamiya stared down at me in horror from the doorway.  
  
I did the only rational thing to do.  
  
I burst into tears.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.... ^_^ BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! Cliffhanger!!! I'll have part three, the last part to this by the way, out here soon I hope. I cried when I wrote this- cause I looooove my Koushiro-sama.... ::sniffs:: My poor angel... all alone... hurting himself... Anyway, review and tell me just HOW soon you want the last part! (Yes, I am bribing you- got a problem with that?) ;) J/K I hope everyone liked it... I hope... Er... I hope a lot of things... I hope I win the lottery. I hope we get some rain here soon. I hope someday I'll own all Bill Gate's money and can take over Digimon the show and HB....  



	3. Chapter Three

Dry These Tears: Part Three  
  
By Kay  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Digimon. But someday... someday...  
  
Daisuke: Another world domination plan?  
  
Kay: Again? Nah. I'm goin' for the universe this time.  
  
Author's Notes: Part Three! Last part! WHOO-HOOOO!!! Enjoy!!!! Many people wanted me to make this Taishiro... ::sniffs:: Sorry... but... I couldn't do it! I had enough reasons to want Izzy to kill himself without yaoi getting involved. Don't worry. I'm working on one now to appease you Taishiro fans...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
  
Part Three:  
  
Once, when I was extremely young, I recall my father saying something once while we were eating at the dining table, attempting to make normal conversation after the Digital World episodes. Even though he perhaps hadn't meant it as anything profound, it struck a chord deep inside.  
  
Every so often in your life, something incredibally ironic will happen to you. When it does, you can either ignore it completely, or meet it head on and confront it.  
  
So, sitting here on the tiles, my wrist's slashed, and my once-friend Taichi Kamiya looking down at me in disbelief and shock, the irony of the boy who hated me most saving me from myself, and the unhappiness of my life all mixed in together, I do the only possible thing.  
  
I burst into tears, unable to conceive what had just happened. I was so close... so very close...  
  
Another cruel twist of fate.  
  
By now, Tai had absolutely no idea what was happening. Through my tears and pain, I knew he was still standing there in shock, staring at me. At the blood. At what I'd been so close to accomplishing. It hurt to still be here-- hurt even worse to know that my chance was gone forever. I'd never have another moment alone, knowing my parents.  
  
Never... again...  
  
Then came the anger.  
  
What right did he have to stop it?! He was the cause- wasn't he- all along. He accused me, ignored me, hurt me, that was one of the many reasons I was driven to these measures! How many nights had I agonized over every thing I've done in my life?! Only to be stopped like this! To be humiliated again?  
  
Tears blinding my eyes, my body trembling from blood loss and my sobs, I fumble around for something-- anything-- on the tiled floor.  
  
"I-Izzy, oh god... are you alright...?" Taichi's horrified voice gasped. He enters, leaving the door open behind him.  
  
Did I LOOK alright?!  
  
"GO AWAY!" I hurled the razor at him, anguished and now mad. A red hot anger, cold despair, was clutched at me. The razor hit the wall as he ducked, yelping.  
  
"Whoa! Hey- Izzy-"  
  
"Get OUT!"  
  
"Wha?"  
  
I stumbled up on one knee and grabbed a brush, throwing it at him without any idea of where it was going. "GO, TAI! GET OUT OF HERE!" Shouting, at him, at everything, at the damn world.  
  
"Izzy... it's me..."  
  
I threw the toothbrush container at him, as he ducked again, shocked and surprised at the hurtling objects. The container shattered against the wall, raining pieces of porcelain on Tai's jacket. He winced. It would have been almost humourous if not for the circumstances. "Damn you! Get OUT!"  
  
"Y-you need help-"  
  
"I DO NOT NEED YOUR HELP!" I hissed, wiping away my tears from my dark eyes and looked for something else to throw. Found the soap. Threw that.   
  
"Ow! Hey--cut it out!"  
  
Just keep him away, make him go away, just make him go away...  
  
"IZZY!" By now, I think he was starting to come out of his shock and realize the full serious gravity of this situation. "Izzy, stop it, you're going to hurt yourself!"  
  
"T-that's what I WANT!" I half sob, half scream at him. I can't see anymore through the bitter hot waterfall of tears cassading down my face. I sink down again to my knees, weeping. "Th-that's... what..."  
  
Suddenly, even as I was about to throw something that felt a lot like Mom's hairdryer, I felt strong, firm arms grab my wrist and jerk it away. Struggling, I pushed against whoever held me.   
"Let me g-go! L-let me GO!" It took me a moment to realize that I was hitting something, over and over, not letting up even when my hands hurt more than I thought possible, my wrists aching terribly, I just kept hitting. Hurt it all back, don't... don't...  
  
What was I doing?  
  
"Shhh...." Arms grabbed my hands gently, stopping their tirade. "It's okay... Izzy... it's going to be okay..." Tai.   
  
"I-I... oh god..." I burst into a fresh round of tears, and fell against the older boy, crying into his chest. "Oh god..." Exhausted, my entire body aching, I'm only dimly aware that he's holding me now, pressing his hands into my wrists.  
  
"I've got to stop the bleeding," he murmers. I only nod in a daze, confused beyond the point of reasoning.  
  
"...Tai?"  
  
"Yeah?" He sounds so worried and scared... why?  
  
"Why... are you... here...?"  
  
I finally open my eyes and look up into his face. His eyes are dark, almost like he's about to burst into tears himself.   
  
I'm so tired...  
  
"I'm here because I-I needed to apologize," he says quietly. "But... it looks like I'm to late."  
  
"Why?" I fight the overwhelming urge to pass out. The whole evening had left me drained, of blood and of energy.  
  
"Because I was wrong." I felt tears slide down my face- not my own.  
  
Was Tai crying?  
  
"W-wrong...?"  
  
"Just... just hold on, Izzy. I'm calling for help. Just hold on." I feel his arms lift me up. I guess I hadn't realized how light I was. I would have thought it impossible, even though Tai was strong...  
  
I can tell he's carrying me somewhere. The next thing I feel is him laying me on something soft... the couch, I think...  
  
Small beeps. Pauses.  
  
Blacking out, I can only catch a few of his words as I sink into welcoming darkness.  
  
"Hello? This is Taichi Kamiya... I have an emergency..."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
For the rest of my life, I would remember that night with a painful clarity that amazed me. Every drop of blood is stark red in my memory, the tiles that perfect off white, the razor glinting at the edge. Especially the dark sadness and guilt that had burned in Taichi's eyes.   
  
I would always remember that.  
  
In my final moments of my life, or what I thought would be my final moments, it was the most clear and obvious thing in the universe to me.  
  
Tai... my old friend, my leader... who helped us through the Digiworld and faced every odd without remourse and with an astonishing courage...  
  
Tai was sorry.  
  
Years later, it still made me laugh, though I was never sure whether it was a bitter one or one of affection. He was my friend, but things would never be the same. Even with that regret that seemed to flood through him, it was far to late to be sorry. To late, to long gone, to far down the road to come all the way back up. No matter how far I walked.  
  
Yes, I did say "years later".   
  
I only know what my parents and my doctor told me-- I know very well that they may have chosen not to reveal certain parts of it. Suicide is an ugly diagnosis-- uglier when you've survived even.  
  
They told me I almost lost to much blood, and any longer and I may have lost enough to do fatal damage. Taichi had came just in the nick of time, to save me from myself and what I was doing. The wrist wounds would heal, although the physical and mental scars would only fade slightly. I had been in the hospital for a day or so before I finally woke up from my unconscience state when they told me all of this. I wasn't ready to hear about the rest of my life. I wasn't ready to hear that I actually had a future.  
  
So I closed myself up.  
  
There is a difference between this and what I did in the Digital world. An astronomical difference. In the Digital World, when I ignored or wound up in my own world of the Internet, I always came back, annoyed and alive with some reluctance. I was still a part of the world humanity had created. It was monumentally different with what I did after my attempt to bring peace to my soul.  
  
I refused to eat, to sleep, to even acknowledge my parents and any significant other. Staring lifelessly at the wall, locked in my own mind. I have no recollection of this time, save for a few words and spoken sobs. It was a living coma-- a living death I was working my way into.  
  
I suppose my mind and body decided if I couldn't die by blood loss, I'd waste away until there was no blood to lose.  
  
Just like a coma, I heard words. What my parents were talking to me about. I could never answer, never had any idea of time spans, but I knew they were talking. I could understand some of it, even though it was a dim part of my mind that translated the gibberish into understandable variables. Most of my mind, however, just didn't care anymore. Let me die, let me go. I never had to listen.  
  
Then again, the small part of my mind that wanted to live kept screaming.  
  
Forcing me to listen.  
  
'Izzy, honey, we just want you to know that we love you. So very, v-v-ery m-much...'  
  
Mom, don't cry for me.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
As the days went on-- or, I suppose, no, they weren't days. Maybe they were weeks, even just hours. Later, I was told it was three weeks. It felt like half a second full of jumbled words and emotions. My mind was like my laptop. Picking out files and deleting others, just trying to organize in a rational way.  
  
Taichi came frequently. Even as much as my parents, I dare say. I couldn't feel him next to me, but I could hear him talking. Sometimes he would cry or rage, and other times he was quieter, more poliet and distant. Funny how these visits did little for me, since friendship is supposed to bring you out of the dark instead of pushing you back.  
  
I had forgiven him long ago. But now could I forgive myself? There was the large question.  
  
'I'm sorry, Izzy. I wasn't thinking when I said those things to you. You were right, you know. I should have realized that... I am so sorry... Please, just wake up already so I can tell you that! I know Travis was lying-- I confronted him!' Tai's voice choked here, making the faraway voice in my mind want to tell him it was alright- he was forgiven, no mistake had been made. It was always my fault in the beginning. Always.   
  
Wasn't it?  
  
'Izzy, we all miss you-- the rest of the gang keeps coming by sometimes, you know.'  
  
No-- not all of them. Matt hadn't yet. Or if the blonde rebel had, I didn't hear him communicating with me. I wasn't sure why this disturbed me so much. Such a minor thing is not something to distress over so hard, but it was this factor that seemed to keep me under. If the Crest of Friendship himself couldn't come see me, what did that tell you?  
  
That perhaps I was no better friend than Taichi had been. Had I ever bothered to call them up? Hadn't they tried-- I couldn't believe my flaws until now. It had all become clear.  
  
I was to blame. Not them. Never them.  
  
Joe, reliable and gentle Joe, hadn't he tried numerous times to gather my attention? Hadn't he called, always asking me if I wanted to go somewhere for the simple purpose of gathering what we had left of our friendship?   
  
What of TK and Kari? Hadn't they always responded with cheery bright faces of delight when they saw me? Hadn't they always saved me a seat at Tai and Sora's games? How I could have been so blind amazes me.  
  
Matt, Mimi, Sora, Tai-- every one of them. Except perhaps Tai. Hadn't they tried over and over to bring me back? I could vaguelly remember phone calls... couldn't I? Matt had asked me to come hear a concert; wanting to see me again. Tai and Sora waved at me during every game, always looking as if they would jump into the stands before the game was over. I was always gone after that. And Mimi-- even with her nature, had been as sincere as she was made for, always telling me over the phone I spent to much time on the computer.  
  
I realized what I had done now. Why I delved myself into all that pain and suffering for so little a reason. Why it took so long.  
  
I was scared.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
'Koushiro, I want you to squeeze my hand if you can hear me.'  
  
Hello, Doctor. You know, you have done a really nice job with my wrist bandages. I can't even tell they're there.  
  
As he droned on, I just tuned him out. Nothing worth listening to-- nothing I'd like to hear, at least. Maybe he'd give me a bunch of psychological words that were supposed to lift my spirits and bring me back like a miracle. Right.  
  
My journey for death had slowly become a journey for realization in my eyes. I wanted no longer to die. That was to shallow, to pointless. Die to end up in some greater torment? No, not me.  
  
I could just as easily make my life a living hell.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
'Izzy... it's Matt.'  
  
Matt? Unless I'm mistaken, that's your voice. Always sullen and rebellious to the end. Strange how it sounds almost choked...  
  
'I'm sorry I haven't come by. I've been really busy.'  
  
I understand. There's no reason to be discouraged or alarmed over my condition. I'm merely thinking. How is your band doing?  
  
'We all really miss you. Tai's banging himself up over you.' I could just imagine his smirk here. 'Which is usually my job, but what the heck...'  
  
Poor Tai. Doesn't he realize by now this isn't his fault? It was always mine. All along.  
  
'Hey... Izzy...'  
  
Why does Matt sound so upset?  
  
'I... I'm really sorry, man. I just wanted to say that. I'm sorry we ignored you. I know we did... I know what it's like to want to die...'  
  
Somewhere, far inside the part of my mind that was still thinking and feeling coherently, I felt like crying. How... how could he know? He may have shared his own pain, but compared to mine, it must have been nothing. He had parents. He had a successful life. What was there to feel pain for?  
  
'After TK and I were seperated... it hurt. It hurt a lot. Sometimes I would swear I had no reason to go on, and I'd want to end it myself. I always had TK to think about, though-- to stop me, you know? Just the image of his face would keep me going until morning...'  
  
'But you didn't have a TK, Izzy. You had no one except yourself. I-I...'  
  
Some nerve that hadn't been numbed yet felt something drop on it.   
  
'I am so, so s-sorry...'  
  
Oh Matt...  
  
Don't you start crying for me too.   
  
Aren't my tears enough?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Slowly, the more they came, the more my mind started to fade away. It was the same every visit. Apologies and memories, not to mention the occassional tear fest. It wasn't that I grew unexpectedly angry with them- far from it, actually. But I did grow tired. More prone to withdraw and not hear even a small quantity of what was said.  
  
It wasn't until someone literally shook some sense into me that I really considered waking up.  
  
'Izzy... it's Matt...'  
  
You're here? Again? I thought you weren't going to come back...  
  
I've missed you.  
  
'I came to say goodbye.'  
  
What? Matt...  
  
Matt, why? What did I do? I know you've grown angry at my lack of response, but that is no reason to just leave me... is it? I understand... but it hurts.  
  
I don't know why, but it hurts. I thought I was detached. But you kept coming. You never gave up, always talking to me like I was really going to wake up and answer you. You told me about things I thought no one understood...  
  
You have been a wonderful friend.  
  
'I don't want to go, but I can't take this anymore. It's not working. You just won't let go, will you? You just won't start fighting! Damn it, Izzy, take some spine for once and take control! You can't let you beat yourself. Over what? Being lonely? You have no right-- no right to lay in that bed and never give anyone the time of day!'  
  
What... what...  
  
'I can't believe this! I've kept coming back-- over and over-- but I've finally realized something. You aren't going to wake up, are you? You're going to lay there and waste away feeling sorry for yourself and how cruel life is.'   
  
You're angry-- you're... you're... what? I don't... I don't have the *right*?  
  
'You want to be useful? Laying in that bed sure ain't doing much, now is it?! Wake up! Get moving and go back to fixing whatever was screwed up in your life! I realized a long time ago-- waiting to die won't help. If you really want to live... if you really think you have something to live for... Then, virtually, you do NOT have the right to be there, Izzy.'  
  
I have *every* *right*!!!  
  
'There are a bunch of people out there, sitting and waiting just for you. What? Surprised? Don't be. We care about you, you idiot. They do. I do. We're all waiting for you to come back to us. If you won't, then I don't see the point of staying here. I can't stand it. I can't see you like this anymore.'  
  
Matt... Matt... You have no idea! No idea of what I've been through! It's easy for you to tell me to wake up, but-  
  
'Damn it, Izzy...' Suddenly, the voice drops in a sobbing choke. 'I have to go. Because if you don't think we're worth living for... then, it's not worth hurting over. If you really want to die. Go on. But don't expect me to cry for you.'  
  
I really really want to... to...  
  
I want to...  
  
I really want to cry right about now.  
  
'I gotta go... I... Just wanna let you know, first, that I care about you a lot...'  
  
Matt...  
  
Matt, you're one of my best friends. Nothing has changed that-- no depression, no lonliness, nothing.  
  
'And... and I'm SO going to hate you if you don't wake up NOW!'  
  
Wh... whaa...  
  
Did you just.... Matt...  
  
Did you just HIT ME?!?!? Why- wha- what was THAT for?!  
  
"HEY!"  
  
Yamato "Matt" Ishida froze as he walked out the hospital doorway, his blue eyes widening.  
  
Slowly, he turned.  
  
To find an extremely ticked off Koushiro glaring at him blearily.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It took five seconds for Matt to finally let the information that I was awake finally to seep into his mind. Ten seconds to scream for a doctor. Fifteen for me to glare at him through it all, just itching to smack the blonde boy who'd just saved my life.  
  
"Izzy... I can't believe you're..." Mom gave up on her desperate words and cried as she held me close as if I were a small child. Ignoring my audience, a despairing longing to be held like this forever, I wrapped my arms around her as well and buried my face in her shirt. It still smelled like gingerbread. I'd almost forgotten how much I loved that scent in my house.  
  
"M-mom... I'm sorry..." Feeling the long overdue tears run down my face, I cried with her as my friends and my family stood around me. It took me a long time to stop, in which I realized things. Things that made a lot more sense than my half dead ramblings in my living coma; things that made more sense than my depressed thoughts before I tried to kill myself.  
  
One-- I was loved.  
  
And two-- For the first time in a long time, I felt no sudden urge to end my life.  
  
Perhaps it was the peaceful contentment most children strangely get in the safe embrace of a parent. Maybe it was seeing Taichi weep openly, squeezing my hand like there was no tomorrow, begging forgiveness in his eyes and saying he was sorry over and over. I knew then he never meant to hurt me like that.  
  
Another part might have been the happy faces of my friends, bright with relief and frienship's love hold. I hadn't known or remembered in my dark area of mind what it was like to have someone really care enough about you to be there when you needed them. Perhaps another bit was the fact that my wrists didn't hurt, and my body was only weak from loss of so much in the past three weeks.   
  
And yet it could have been the grinning blond that kept dodging my weak, pathetic attempts to throw those plastic water glasses on my bedside table at him.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
It took a total of a year and half for me to competely recover. Or, at least recover as much as possible. Recuperation from these things takes time, you know.  
  
Taichi moved on to his soccer fiend habits again, playing and winning almost every game he could get into. I go to see every single game. Apparently it does me good to get out-- and I'll admit I love to be there, too.  
  
Sora has surprisingly gotten into tennis- a rather amazing habit. I hadn't expected it from her! But she's got a great deal of talent apparently, and I'm sure she will go far in the sport world. I can't see everyone one of her games, not with so much to do, but I definatly try. My schedule has been filled up continually from my friends, who seem to be anxious and delighted to have me re-enter their lives. And as before, I'll admit I love to be there, too.  
  
TK and Kari were barely aware of what happened to me, but they knew I needed time to fit in again. They've been insistantly trying to make me laugh for quite some time now. I cannot say they haven't succeeded often!  
  
Last I heard from Mimi was her letter yesterday from America, where she's gone to fashion school. God forbid I ever see pink clothes like hers on market... She even died her hair pink. Now THAT is something I'm glad I lived to see!  
  
Not a day goes by I don't think about what I did. It hasn't been easy-- living and forgetting, trying to regret what I almost did. I can't say I completely accomplished that, but I have come to be relieved I didn't end up dead. Joe has spent a great deal of time with me-- some of the best times of my life. He's given me his own little "counceling sessions" in his words. It really does help. He may not know depression, but he does know me, and that's all he needs to know to make me feel better. Just last week we went out for that pizza he promised me ages ago, and ended up talking animatedly about our Science projects. Over this time, we've grown close as brothers again, and my days are spent talking with him over the phone often.  
  
Most of all, Matt has been a big help. I would never have expected such a collosal amount of understanding and compassion in him, but it's most certainly there. The amount of time spent in his garage, simply talking over life and all it's problems, has been the best medicine anyone has been able to give me in a long time. I'm not always sure I deserve it, but I wouldn't protest. Matt might try to beat me up again.  
  
In the end, there's one thing I know I may not deserve. I may deserve life. A chance. Happiness. But no one could ever deserve such friends-- loyal and caring to the end. Loving enough to give me the support I need. Sincere enough to tell me the brutal truth that I desperatly need sometimes. Enough light to give a path from the darkness. Courageous enough to come back over and over for forgiveness even when it's scary. Hopeful enough to keep me going when I think there's nothing left. Reliable enough to always be there, steady and true, when I need them.  
  
Friendship says it all.  
  
"Izzy, get over hear and talk to someone for once instead of playing on that thing!"   
  
I raise a single eyebrow as I look up from my laptop. "Matt, do not attempt to stray me from my-"  
  
Matt sighed, and without warning grabbed me, jerking me up til I was standing. With a sadistic grin, he shoved me into the living room where all the others were waiting. Tinsel, mistletoe, and red and green decorations covered the room with spendor and cheer. Tai and Sora, discussing which was the better sport of soccer and tennis, were leaning against the fire place sides, deep in their discussion.  
  
I could have easily told them that both sports were pointless, but the odds of them listening were about zero. Or at least .999999%.  
  
"Okay, guys, Mr. Bill Gates of the new Millenium is finally here!" Matt called, his blue eyes wide as he smiled. "Ready?"  
  
"Ready," chourused the others in unision, tipping their glasses of egg nog to the ceiling. TK came over and shoved a glass in my hand, grinning just as wide as his older brother as he and Kari dragged me over to the couch and pushed me down into the plush seating. Sitting beside me was Joe, who rolled his eyes and nodded to where Mimi was trying to squeeze poor Meeko into a red and green fluffy sweater.  
  
About now, I realize my life could have been worse. I could have been the poor cat.  
  
"I would like to make a toast," Matt announced, waving his glass dramatically as the others watched in amusement. The warmth and closeness of everyone in the room made me relax, sinking back into the cushions and smiling at Joe. We'd all grown so much...  
  
"First, I'd like to toast Sora- who recently won a tennis championship." He grinned as everyone applauded and Sora turned faint pink. "Next-"  
  
"Hey, I won a soccer championship!" Tai protested.  
  
"Irrelevent, let's go on."  
  
As the room giggled, Matt paused and continued, still grandly waving his arm. Next to me, Joe muttered something about carpet stains and bleach, but I couldn't quite hear it.  
  
"I'd also like to toast Joe, who recently has decided on going to college early, and Mimi who is back from America on her first visit! So, Mimi, how's the babes in America?"  
  
"Man, Matt, you are getting a lovely little tongue, aren't you?" Mimi asked impishly.  
  
(A/N; I owe Tammy for this one! Arigato! You're brilliant!)  
  
"Proud of it, too." Matt grinned slyly, but slowly it faded and a serious look replaced that after a moment. "I do have another toast to make. One really really important." He turned and looked at the Christmas tree, heavily laiden with ornaments and tinsel and lights for a bit, before turning back around. His gaze went around the room, and settled on me with soft eyes.  
  
"A toast to one of my best friends-- one that I have the pleasure to still be with this Christmas, and hopefully for many more." Matt smiled softly, his blue eyes glowing warmly as he toasted my shocked face. "We love you, Izzy."  
  
As everyone in the room echoed the sentiment, I bent my head, trying to hide my tears.  
  
Brought it up, smiling as I cried, and choked on my voice as I added, "And to my friends-- thank you. Thank you all. Merry Christmas."  
  
"Merry Christmas!" they responded. As chatter suddenly broke out, and Tai and Matt started bickering happily, and Meeko started to hiss at Mimi, and Joe started to talk to me about coming to visit him at college every week, I knew one thing was clear in my mind forever.  
  
I loved them all, and would never hurt myself again with that love.  
  
My tears were finally dried.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END: HAHAHAHA! I'm done! WHOO-HOOO! Please review? For my deprived soul?! :) :) :)  
  
Daisuke: What are we going to do tonight, Kay?  
  
Kay: ::blinks:: Hmmm... oh! The same thing we do every night, Dai-kun!  
  
Daisuke: ...? Steal TK"s hat?  
  
Kay: Er... no. TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!!  
  
Daisuke: Again?!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
